My mental health
This isn't something I talk about a lot. Only a handful of people I'm close to know and it's because of the stigma surrounding mental health. I'm choosing to be open about my mental health now as I want to put a stop to all the negativity which surrounds mental health issues and disorders. I mean it's difficult enough as it is, but to have people judge you or tell you you'll get over it, it makes it that little bit harder to cope! This is going to be a long post, so grab a cuppa tea and sit comfortably!
In October 2016 I suffered a bad mental breakdown, it lasted for weeks and got progressively worse. To begin with it was only the slight suicidal thought such as 'I know everyone would be better off if I wasn't here'. These thoughts were then followed by voices, telling me I wasn't good enough and that I should probably do everyone a favour by ending it all. By the November it was taking over my life! The only reason I would leave the house was to go to work and come home again. I would spend all my free time in bed away from everyone and most nights I'd cry myself to sleep. My mum started to get worried about me and said that she would pay for me to speak to someone if I wanted and the offer was there, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to shut myself away and hope it got better by itself. Mid November I went to the doctors as I promised my mum I would look into getting it sorted. I explained how I was feeling and he referred me to the mental health clinic. I waited and within a week an appointment came through for the December.
When my appointment came, I had no idea what to expect. In my head I could see my being carted away to a hospital and put in solitary confinement, like in the movies with shock therapy. This played a big factor into me actually going to seek help and why I put it off for so long, but it was the complete opposite! I walked in and it was just like a regular doctors surgery, which helped put my mind at ease. I had to sign in and was told to take a see and I would be seen to shortly. After what felt like forever, a doctor came up to me and told me I was being taken for an assessment. My mind started going crazy, telling me it was like the movies and I'd end up in a strange hospital somewhere! I was taken into a room for the assessment and was there for hours! I had to talk about when this all started, how long I had felt this way, had I made any suicide attempts before, had I self harmed before. After I had spoken about everything, the doctor left the room and went to consult another doctor. She eventually came back and talked me through an action plan. I was put on antidepressants- 50mg Sertraline, and told another appointment would be made for me. I was also given numbers to call if I felt the way I had before.
I started taking the tablets and noticed a real difference almost immediately! My mood was better, I felt happier and I was willing to leave the house more. My next appointment was in the February 2017 and I had a few concerns I wanted to talk about at that appointment. At the appointment I mentioned how I was paranoid I would become dependant on the tablets in order to make myself happy. The doctor told me this wouldn't be the case, but upped the medication to 100mg as the 50mg wasn't working anymore- hence the paranoia. She did tell me that she didn't want my medication going above 200mg, and if it came to that then we'd have to look into other treatment. I also did something which you should never do, I Googled my symptoms and came up with my own diagnosis. I did tell the doctor what I thought I had and she told me that that was what they were diagnosing me with. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, also referred to as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.
I was still trying to understand my diagnosis a few months later and had adjusted to the new strength of my tablets when I found out I was pregnant. I have a friend who works in a pharmacy so asked if the tablets could cause a late period, as I didn't realise I was pregnant and thought that the new mg caused my body to go out of tune. She asked how long I had been taking them and I explained since December 16, but that the dosage had been increased recently. She told me that as my body had been used to the tablet, it wasn't them causing the late period and she told me to take a test. Once I got my positive test, I again Googled like crazy to see if it was safe for me to take my antidepressants while pregnant. Dr Google was saying yes, but I wanted to hear it from a real doctor so I booked an appointment. At the appointment my doctor mentioned the antidepressants as soon as I said I was pregnant and I told him that was the reason I had come and asked what could be done. He reassured me that it was perfectly safe for me to take but also explained that the reason pregnant women and breastfeeding mothers should seek medical advice before taking anything is because it hasn't been properly tested. I mean who in their right mind would think 'okay, I'm gonna be a human guinea pig and potentially harm my baby' NO ONE! Nada! He also made a joke and said if I wanted to come off my tablets I could, but I better not go on a murderous rampage if I did, so we both agreed while laughing that for everyone's sake and safety I'd stay on the tablets.
In the June I had another appointment at the mental health clinic and explained I was pregnant and had spoken to my normal doctor about continuing my medication. The clinic was fine with me continuing my medication, but as I was pregnant and my body was now retaining more water, the mg would need to be upped. It was upped to 150mg which I had no problem with, as it meant they were still working and I wasn't just taking them for the sake of it. After we had spoken about my concerns, I was given a leaflet with some numbers to call if I ever needed someone to talk too, as well as told I could call the clinic if I needed but as they were no longer concerned about my safety and well being- I had a reason to not harm myself, I was discharged. Had I not been pregnant, I'd still be in their care.
At 32 weeks I had a check up appointment at the hospital to see how I was coping and talk about the slight possibility of having to wean Teddy off my antidepressants. I told her I wanted to breastfeed which was great as I was told that will help wean him as he'll be getting less and less as time goes on. I was also told that my place of birth will know I'm on antidepressants so will have a procedure in place to check him. As we were talking, I mentioned how I was struggling with insomnia. I mean its difficult to sleep when pregnant anyway but even more so than just a big bump! I hadn't had this problem until the dosage was increased and asked if I could decrease it back to 100mg. She told me that was fine as it wasn't a big change I was making. After a week, I was able to sleep again.
After I had Teddy and was in the hospital, I was monitored closely to see how I was coping. I had gone through a big change, my body was fighting sepsis and I had a little human being who was completely dependant on me. I couldn't thank the midwives enough for making sure I was okay and keeping on top of my mental health. I had a couple days where I thought I couldn't do it and actually cried to one of the midwives about how I wasn't able to settle him and he would just constantly cry. She reassured me that this was normal and asked how I was feeling and offered support if I wanted it.
5 months on and I do struggle. Being a single parent is definitely hard but also so rewarding. I have had times where I feel extremely low and haven't wanted to do anything apart from lay in bed all day, and some days we do which is fine as I play with Teddy to keep him active and occupied. I've also had days where I'm on a high and achieve a lot throughout the day which is great for both Teddy and I. Although my mood is generally better, I do believe I am suffering with PND and am planning on making a doctors appointment to talk it through and see what options I have available.
In October 2016 I suffered a bad mental breakdown, it lasted for weeks and got progressively worse. To begin with it was only the slight suicidal thought such as 'I know everyone would be better off if I wasn't here'. These thoughts were then followed by voices, telling me I wasn't good enough and that I should probably do everyone a favour by ending it all. By the November it was taking over my life! The only reason I would leave the house was to go to work and come home again. I would spend all my free time in bed away from everyone and most nights I'd cry myself to sleep. My mum started to get worried about me and said that she would pay for me to speak to someone if I wanted and the offer was there, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to shut myself away and hope it got better by itself. Mid November I went to the doctors as I promised my mum I would look into getting it sorted. I explained how I was feeling and he referred me to the mental health clinic. I waited and within a week an appointment came through for the December.
When my appointment came, I had no idea what to expect. In my head I could see my being carted away to a hospital and put in solitary confinement, like in the movies with shock therapy. This played a big factor into me actually going to seek help and why I put it off for so long, but it was the complete opposite! I walked in and it was just like a regular doctors surgery, which helped put my mind at ease. I had to sign in and was told to take a see and I would be seen to shortly. After what felt like forever, a doctor came up to me and told me I was being taken for an assessment. My mind started going crazy, telling me it was like the movies and I'd end up in a strange hospital somewhere! I was taken into a room for the assessment and was there for hours! I had to talk about when this all started, how long I had felt this way, had I made any suicide attempts before, had I self harmed before. After I had spoken about everything, the doctor left the room and went to consult another doctor. She eventually came back and talked me through an action plan. I was put on antidepressants- 50mg Sertraline, and told another appointment would be made for me. I was also given numbers to call if I felt the way I had before.
I started taking the tablets and noticed a real difference almost immediately! My mood was better, I felt happier and I was willing to leave the house more. My next appointment was in the February 2017 and I had a few concerns I wanted to talk about at that appointment. At the appointment I mentioned how I was paranoid I would become dependant on the tablets in order to make myself happy. The doctor told me this wouldn't be the case, but upped the medication to 100mg as the 50mg wasn't working anymore- hence the paranoia. She did tell me that she didn't want my medication going above 200mg, and if it came to that then we'd have to look into other treatment. I also did something which you should never do, I Googled my symptoms and came up with my own diagnosis. I did tell the doctor what I thought I had and she told me that that was what they were diagnosing me with. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, also referred to as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.
I was still trying to understand my diagnosis a few months later and had adjusted to the new strength of my tablets when I found out I was pregnant. I have a friend who works in a pharmacy so asked if the tablets could cause a late period, as I didn't realise I was pregnant and thought that the new mg caused my body to go out of tune. She asked how long I had been taking them and I explained since December 16, but that the dosage had been increased recently. She told me that as my body had been used to the tablet, it wasn't them causing the late period and she told me to take a test. Once I got my positive test, I again Googled like crazy to see if it was safe for me to take my antidepressants while pregnant. Dr Google was saying yes, but I wanted to hear it from a real doctor so I booked an appointment. At the appointment my doctor mentioned the antidepressants as soon as I said I was pregnant and I told him that was the reason I had come and asked what could be done. He reassured me that it was perfectly safe for me to take but also explained that the reason pregnant women and breastfeeding mothers should seek medical advice before taking anything is because it hasn't been properly tested. I mean who in their right mind would think 'okay, I'm gonna be a human guinea pig and potentially harm my baby' NO ONE! Nada! He also made a joke and said if I wanted to come off my tablets I could, but I better not go on a murderous rampage if I did, so we both agreed while laughing that for everyone's sake and safety I'd stay on the tablets.
In the June I had another appointment at the mental health clinic and explained I was pregnant and had spoken to my normal doctor about continuing my medication. The clinic was fine with me continuing my medication, but as I was pregnant and my body was now retaining more water, the mg would need to be upped. It was upped to 150mg which I had no problem with, as it meant they were still working and I wasn't just taking them for the sake of it. After we had spoken about my concerns, I was given a leaflet with some numbers to call if I ever needed someone to talk too, as well as told I could call the clinic if I needed but as they were no longer concerned about my safety and well being- I had a reason to not harm myself, I was discharged. Had I not been pregnant, I'd still be in their care.
At 32 weeks I had a check up appointment at the hospital to see how I was coping and talk about the slight possibility of having to wean Teddy off my antidepressants. I told her I wanted to breastfeed which was great as I was told that will help wean him as he'll be getting less and less as time goes on. I was also told that my place of birth will know I'm on antidepressants so will have a procedure in place to check him. As we were talking, I mentioned how I was struggling with insomnia. I mean its difficult to sleep when pregnant anyway but even more so than just a big bump! I hadn't had this problem until the dosage was increased and asked if I could decrease it back to 100mg. She told me that was fine as it wasn't a big change I was making. After a week, I was able to sleep again.
After I had Teddy and was in the hospital, I was monitored closely to see how I was coping. I had gone through a big change, my body was fighting sepsis and I had a little human being who was completely dependant on me. I couldn't thank the midwives enough for making sure I was okay and keeping on top of my mental health. I had a couple days where I thought I couldn't do it and actually cried to one of the midwives about how I wasn't able to settle him and he would just constantly cry. She reassured me that this was normal and asked how I was feeling and offered support if I wanted it.
5 months on and I do struggle. Being a single parent is definitely hard but also so rewarding. I have had times where I feel extremely low and haven't wanted to do anything apart from lay in bed all day, and some days we do which is fine as I play with Teddy to keep him active and occupied. I've also had days where I'm on a high and achieve a lot throughout the day which is great for both Teddy and I. Although my mood is generally better, I do believe I am suffering with PND and am planning on making a doctors appointment to talk it through and see what options I have available.
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